Welcome to Wedding Guest Wednesday, a feature in which Solo-ish explores the joys and woes of attending other people’s weddings. Because it’s not all about the happy couple — it’s a big day for guests as well.
It feels weird to say this as a single man in his mid-30s, but I’ve been planning my wedding for years. Every time I come home from someone else’s wedding — and I’ve been to dozens in the past 10 years — I think about what elements of their celebration I would want to use at my own someday. And what I definitely do not want.
I’m not talking about clothing, flowers or table linens. For me, it’s all about the ritual parts of the wedding. Was there a chance for real connection between the couple, or did it feel like a show for the guests? Was the wedding an expression of the couple’s commitments and values? And what’s the community’s role in upholding them?
Planning a wedding in your head, without a partner no less, can be dangerous. Whatever “real” wedding I wind up having will look quite different from my current daydreams. Yet what I’m actually doing is spelling out what I’m looking to find in a partner, and more important, what I want us to build together.
The best weddings I’ve been to have been intensely personal. One of the most beautiful things was simply the moment my friend saw his bride step into the aisle to walk toward him. What made this so breathtaking was that the couple had not seen each other for the prior 24 hours. They each got ready for the wedding separately, and greeted guests at separate receiving areas. Even though they had been living together for a couple years, this separation and reunion made the drama of the wedding come alive.
The most intimate moment at many weddings is the sharing of vows. It can be incredibly powerful to hear a couple vocalize their love and commitment for each other. For example, at my uncle’s wedding to his partner of 16 years, each man peppered his vows with romantic lines from the show tunes they both treasure. In that moment, these expressions of love, often written by gay men for straight musicals, were reclaimed.
Rather than exchanging vows, personally I’m drawn to the model of the wedding contract, because it represents marriage as collaborative enterprise. A modern take on a traditional Jewish practice, this contract expresses the couple’s mutual commitments to each other, their possible future family and their communities. Crafting this document together gives a couple a chance to clarify their specific goals for intimacy and communication. For example, as one couple I know wrote:
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We pledge to love each other with tenderness and strength, with wisdom and understanding, respecting our differences and rejoicing in our commonalities. We will patiently support and challenge each other to become the people we are yet to be, and remind each other of the people we already are. Even as our intimacy deepens, we will encourage each other’s independence and personal growth. We will strive to be slow to anger and quick to forgive, to pursue a path of open communication, compassionate listening, and generous compromise.
This document also gives the couple a chance to spell out how they wish to be cared for in the event of illness or death. Most strikingly, it can also contain stipulations for how they will fight, and the processes the couple will go though if they decide to break off their relationship.
Signed by witnesses who represent the couple’s friends and family, this document is typically hung on on the wall of couple’s home as a reminder of their commitment to each other. These friends and family are tasked with helping the couple work through whatever inevitable challenges arise in their relationship. I’ve had the honor of signing a number of friends’ wedding contracts as a witness. I take this obligation quite seriously, and have valued the times I’ve been called on to support my friends in their relationships.
Another element that makes weddings incredibly personal is when the couple has a strong relationship with their officiant. Whether this person is ordained by an Internet church or a recognized denomination, someone who knows the couple well can really express the uniqueness of a particular couple’s relationship. This stands in sharp contrast to traditional weddings where you can substitute the names of the bride and groom for any other couple.
Finally, I have seen powerful moments arise when the community is invited to bless the couple.
I know one couple who, the evening before their wedding, invited friends and family to share stories, blessings and perform hilarious skits about them. It was like a rehearsal dinner, but without the expense of dinner or the limited guest list. Having a designated “toasts and blessings” event meant the reception after the wedding could be focused on dancing and celebrating, without lots time for toasts.
So, that’s what I’d want in a ceremony: a dramatic moment of reuniting with my bride; a public commitment to our vision for our collective life; an officiant who knows us personally; and a time (not during the reception) to receive blessings from the community.
As for the reception, as long as there is enough food, good music and room to dance, the celebration should take care of itself. There is no need for a seated dinner, a wedding cake, fancy flowers or elaborate entertainment. Because, in the end, loving commitment and community are all you need for a wedding.
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