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Melinda went to her first North-South Skirmish Association shoot as a tiny baby. By the time she was 8, she was running with a pack of similar-age girls from all over the East Coast. While her dad, Christopher, and his team members strove for accuracy and speed as they shot at targets with Civil War-era firearms or replicas, Melinda and her friends had their own mission: “We would chase around the older boys, throw french fries at them, and otherwise annoy the heck out of them.”

Erick and his dad, Wayne, were – and still are – Christopher’s teammates. His mom, Lexie, also participates in skirmishes. Erick remembers when Melinda ran with the distracting, bratty band of girls. But even then, she was interested in the muzzle-loaders and the competition and would stop running to watch. As soon as Melinda turned 15, she joined the team.

Melinda, who grew up in North Torresdale, was not able to compete much when she studied hospitality management at Syracuse, but she returned to regular competition after graduating in 2006. That was when Melinda, who is now creamery-operations manager at the University of Delaware, and Erick, a boiler operator at Kimberly-Clark in Chester, truly became friends.

“She was present more, and she was an adult,” said Erick, who grew up in Aston, “and old enough to have a couple of drinks and hang out with the team after competition.”

Melinda dated, but as she became more and more skilled with her rifle, “I wanted to shoot even more and be with the team even more,” she said. A lot of guys didn’t understand. Some, frankly, seemed a little freaked out. “Dating a girl who shoots a gun better than you is intimidating,” she discovered. “I found it very hard to date someone who didn’t do what I did.”

Erick had been briefly married many years earlier. He dated, and had been in a longer-term relationship, but that didn’t work out.

In 2009, Erick and Melinda decided to try out together for the U.S. International Muzzleloading Team. They spent a lot of time practicing, and feelings other than friendship slowly evolved.

Both made the team, and there was more practice, and traveling together, too. One of them eventually confessed to having romantic feelings, and the other did, too.

picture: black bridesmaid dresses uk“He always did make me laugh, throughout my whole life, from the time he was just tolerating me,” Melinda said. “We have fun shooting together and just being together.”

“I didn’t have to change anything,” Erick said. “She lets me be myself. And we get along so well. I fell in love with one of my best friends.”

But dating someone you’ve known so long, who is such a good friend and also your teammate, feels a little risky. “There were many discussions of, ‘Should we do this? Is it time to try?’ ” said Melinda, now 31.

One night in 2010, after a competition in Winchester, Va., Erick, now 46, asked a different question: “What would happen if I kissed you?”

Melinda didn’t say anything. She just kissed him.

How does forever sound?

The couple and their friends attend a gun show every January in Las Vegas. Last year, the group left the city to hike in Red Rock Canyon Park. Erick kept announcing his desire to climb some rocks. Melinda wondered why he kept announcing something so obvious. “What about that rock?” their friends suggested.

It also occurred to Melinda that Erick’s hoodie was an odd choice of clothing for a hot day’s climb, but the gorgeous view crowded out her wondering about it. At the top, Erick reached into his sweatshirt pocket and pulled out a box.

Fear of falling kept him from kneeling, but Erick turned to Melinda and asked whether she’d marry him.

Their friends, snapping photos the whole time, erupted in cheers when she said yes.

It was so them

The couple, who now live in Aston, held their ceremony and reception on a Lancaster County farm where they’ve participated in many N-SSA competitions. They are friends both with owner Charlie, who also competes in skirmishes, and the Esh family, who farm the land.

Their wedding day was windy and cloudy, and the temperature was in the 50s, but the ceremony took place outside as planned, in front of a building made from old timbers. Their 240 guests sat on hay bales. “We froze a little, especially the bridesmaids and me, since we didn’t have jackets. But our officiant – our friend Craig – kept it short and personal,” Melinda said. The couple know Craig, a former mayor of Goldsboro, through gun competition. He was also a groomsman. Just as Melinda’s mom, Lorraine, reminded everyone that God is love, and love is God, the heavy clouds parted and rays of sunshine poured through. “It was just like at the beginning of The Simpsons,” Melinda said, “and everyone applauded and laughed.”

Instead of a guest book, everyone signed a piece of cedar that Erick had found. The couple trimmed Mason jars with burlap and lace and filled them with flowers from the farm.

One Esh family member, Benul, owns a butcher shop and catering business. He and his team supplied beef, pork, chicken, homemade breads, and mini whoopie pies for the reception, held under two tents that mercifully had heaters inside. Melinda hired her team from the UDairy Creamery to serve up all that food, plus their own ice cream and a wedding cake.

Everyone, including the bride and groom, camped on the farm that night, hanging out around a fire until the wee hours. The next day, nearly 60 of those who celebrated together were locked in fierce competition with musket teams that had been chosen via draft at the rehearsal dinner. The Groom’s Goons beat out the bride’s team, Lead and Lace, as well as her sister and maid of honor Kara’s team, the Maids of Dishonor.

Awestruck

When Erick’s brother and best man, Andrew, asked him, “How’s it going?” everything felt fine and totally normal. A moment later, “the girls came walking in, and then I saw her coming down the aisle. I thought, ‘It’s real now,’ ” Erick said. It felt wonderful, and extraordinary. Soon, it was time for him to say his vows and put Melinda’s wedding ring on her finger. “It was the first time in a very long time that I saw him get emotional,” Melinda said. “He doesn’t show emotions on the outside like that, and for him to let go and show everyone exactly what he was feeling, that was so amazing.”

Discretionary spending

A bargain: Heaps of delicious, traditional Amish food that everyone raved over.

The splurges: A little one: A popcorn machine, just because Melinda loves it. The big one: Hiring the photographer for a second day to catch the day-after competition.

The getaway

Nine days in Playa Mujeres.

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Agra: With the government enforcing a strict ban on trapping snakes and possessing them in the past decade, the snake charmers have been done out of their traditional business. In a unique display of adaptability and flexibility, a good number of the erstwhile charmers have now taken to playing their wind instruments, the ‘been’ at wedding processions. Young people at weddings are only too glad to make the sinuous moves that go with the sounds of the ‘been’ to which snakes would dance earlier.

At Mania village, about 25 km from Agra, also known as “sapera basti” there are several wedding bands that use the ‘been’. These bands have been in big demand through the wedding season. This is a village with a population of 800 people. Of the 400 people eligible to vote here, all are traditionally snake charmers.

The ‘been’, the rounded flutes of these snake charmers, still hypnotise. The men wear their traditional orange turban-dhoti-kurtas; at the wedding bands too, they appear in their traditional gear. What has changed is only that instead of charming snakes these days, they charm wedding guests.

Chabram Singh, a former snake charmer, now runs his wedding band – The Nagin Band. He says he is full up with bookings – 12 this wedding season. He was still being inundated with requests for performance, he said. And the band is taking him places: “We performed at Agra’s JP Hotel. I haven’t seen such a big place in my life.”

His 24-member band charges between Rs15,000 and Rs30,000 for a single performance. It is not just the traditional snake charming tunes that they play – they also turn jokers and enact female dancers to entertain audiences. That is what gets them custom, in times of stiff competition.

picture: chiffon wedding dressAnother band, this time owned by Sindhi Pradhan – the village headman – has been hard at rehearsals, ahead of a December 4 performance at Sikandra in Agra. Besides the ‘been’ this band has acquired some other instruments too, and there is work needed to properly synchronise the different instruments.

“I bought three new brass drums and two different flutes. We have a horse buggy and a chandelier too that we can take around in procession, so my band stand does not look like any other. I charge up to Rs40,000 for a performance,” says Sindhi Pradhan.

Babban Baba, an old former snake charmer in Mania village, though, recalls how hard life has become since he has had to give up thesnakes. “We were suddenly told we could no longer keep our snakes. What else were we supposed to do? Snake charming is an art, and not one to be sneezed it. It was our means of making ends meet. These bands are large – so the money they earn has to be divided, and each member could end up with a paltry Rs1,000 or so after a performance. Besides, the work is limited to the wedding season. For the rest of the year, we are reduced to unskilled labourers.”

Originally from Rajasthan, these snake charmers settled in Mania about seven generations ago. Music and snakes have been part of their lives for generations. Their traditional business would boom ahead of Nagpanchmai and Shivratri.

Sukhveer Singh, who has just earned a graduate degree in science, has been practising snake charming with his father. “We have had to give up the snakes, but the habit of playing the ‘been’ will stay. These days, we play at weddings and parties. The wedding bands give us stiff competition.”

Having lived with snakes for generations, the people of this village are also called for help in case of snakebites. “We have liquids that are antidotes for snake bites. We still do the old snake charming in the festive season, only not openly,” one villager admitted, unwilling to be quoted.

In 2003, the government amended the 1972 Wildlife (Protection) Act that banned ownership of snakes. Keeping snakes in captivity and their display in public was earlier prohibited, and any breach of this prohibition was more stringently punished. In 1991, the practice ofsnake charming was banned.\

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New Delhi, Nov. 30 : Marriage is not a cake walk and when the elderly people say this they mean it, literally. It is not a simple affair of reading out vows or taking ‘saath pheras,’ it is much more complicated and with the big fat Indian weddings taking up the lead, a lot of things, including clothes, decorations, photographers and makeup, require special attention before one actually walks down the aisle.

When wedding photographer Tarun Chawla was asked about the trending post wedding photo shoots, he told ANI, “I am personally not a big fan of pre wedding or post wedding shoot, but yes, they are now main stream.”

picture: beach bridesmaid dressesHe added, “Earlier being offered by selected few photographers, now they are being done by even entry level studios. Scale of the shoots match scale of the wedding, someone spending 5crs on wedding has luxury to hire 5 star properties for their pre wed shoot while people on low budget go for outdoor locations.”

Further, when asked about the rising demands of nude post marriage photo shoots and whether he would do one, Tarun said, “We Have Time. That’s all I can say, right now we are fighting for taking chooda or jaimala off during couple shots leave alone clothes! Don’t think it will come mainstream in next decade.”

Not only people are getting photographed differently on their big day, the trend of sending wedding invitation along with the traditional ‘mithai ka dabba’ is also changing.

Explaining that people now prefer something classy and unique as their wedding invites, Director of Wedding Aisa, Anupreet Sethi said that people are using colour based invites, they select the colour of the card that points towards the dress code.

She added that the traditional sweets have been totally replaced as people now prefer to send exotic chocolates or a customised goodie box.

Getting clicked or sending invites now a days has become much more complicated than saying the marriage vows.

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HYDERABAD: With the South Zone police drawing a blank on curbing loud celebrations which involve hired female dancers and fireworks, they have now secured a fatwa from prominent Islamic seminary Jamia Nizamia on the issue.

The unusual move comes at a time when the the cops are mulling on enforcing a complete ban on ‘orchestras’ as well as an adherence to the timing of the function as mentioned on the wedding invitation cards.

Cops requesting anonymity said that the fatwa, a copy of which is with TOI, was received early this week. The fatwa made clear that that the proposed ban is not against Islamic Sharia law.

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Responding to the concerns raised by the police, noted Islamic scholar Mufti Mohammed Azeemuddin from the Jamia’s Darul Ifta (or the fatwa centre), wrote: “A ban on singing, music and orchestra performances at weddings by the police department is not akin to interfering in Islamic sharia law. The police department can enforce this ban.”

Apart from the issue of music and dance, in a series of five questions posed to the Jamia, cops had requested the Islamic standpoint on weddings and other celebrations which continue till late at night and the frequent delays in “serving dinner”.

The letter, a copy of which is with TOI, also made clear the intention behind seeking the fatwa. “The police department intends to enforce complete prohibition on music, dance and singing and orchestras in celebrations. In addition to this, the department also intends to take concrete steps to ensure that (celebrations) proceed as per schedule. Would this be against Islamic sharia law?” the letter read.

When contacted, South Zone deputy commissioner of police V Satyanarayana said that late night weddings were posing a law and order problem in the Old City. He cited the recent attempt-to-murder cases registered at Falaknuma and Kanchan Bagh police stations as one of the causes for seeking the fatwa.

“There were two stabbing cases, of which one resulted in a death. Further, there have been instances in which people were seen dancing with swords. We have also seen that parties with hired women dancers are on the rise. The Jamia Nizamia, in the fatwa, said that inconveniencing people by loud celebrations late at night is wrong. They have also said that the celebrations should not go beyond 12am or 1am.”

The South Zone police now intend to have a meeting with religious heads and proprietors of large and small wedding venues to discuss the matter. “It is likely that this meeting will be held on Saturday,” Satyanarayana said.

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Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s Singapore visit concluded with an address to an 18,000-strong Indian audience at the Singapore Expo. In the earlier part of his two-day visit, the prime minister cemented diplomatic ties with Singapore, signed bilateral agreements and paid homage at the Indian National Army memorial. This is the first time an Indian prime minister has visited the memorial. The Singapore government rolled out the red carpet for PM Modi.

While the diplomatic outreach was important at many levels, the outreach to the diaspora and how it was woven together also merit attention. The scale of the event for a foreign leader was unprecedented in Singapore. Getting the necessary permissions, identifying an appropriate venue, overseeing the mammoth logistical operations were all just one part of the story. Getting together such a large number of people, from across the diverse community, was another.

At the onset, it was decided that no event manager would be hired for the show. It was going to be run by the Singapore NRI forum and a committee of volunteers, drawn from across the regional and social forums.

About 40 days before the show, over 1,500 volunteers signed up and the first big meeting was held in the auditorium of the Global Indian School. The school canteen had catered a simple lunch for the volunteers, but food ran short and the harried staff had to rustle up a fresh batch, as the number of people who turned up exceeded the initial estimate.

From then on, there was a series of meetings to break down the groups into smaller committees, assign them tasks and co-ordinate the various parts. Over a hundred organisations, including the Indian Women’s Association, Tagore Society, Bhojpuri Association, Kannada Sangha, Maharashtra Mandal and Indian student forums from universities, took part. The cultural segment involved around 25 groups, ranging from the Singapore Indian Fine Arts society (SIFAS) to The Art of Living and Vyasa Yoga foundations.

picture: yellow bridesmaid dressesThe noteworthy thing in the community outreach was the manner in which it was done. There was no advertisement blitz for the event. People were rallied together using the traditional method of people-to-people communication. Volunteers personally called up individuals and made visits to community events. This effort was supplemented by e-mails and social media posts.

At some stages, it all seemed strangely like a replay of the great Indian wedding. There was colour, chaos, disagreements and patch-ups, hard work and lots of fun. Then it all came together in the end as something beautiful and memorable.

On the D-day, the gates were supposed to open at 4.30pm, but the foyer was already packed with people at 3pm, and the registration volunteers were called on duty before time. The lobbies were filled with volunteers urgently allocating badges to their teams, performers in full costume doing last minute adjustments, and excited people taking photographs. In the midst of all the frenetic activity, the Singapore security forces secured the area politely and unobtrusively.

The cavernous halls of the Singapore Expo had been decorated with the colours of the Indian flag and had giant screens placed at regular intervals. The stage for the cultural performance and a revolving dais for the prime minister were set in the middle. We were initially apprehensive that people might get restive during the three-hour long cultural performance, but the enthusiastic audience belied our fears. Before we knew it, the cultural show ended and the screens switched to showing clips of the PM’s past speeches. The crowd was electrified. They knew that the PM had arrived at the venue and the halls reverberated with chants of “Modi, Modi”. When he finally made an entrance, it was like a rock show with a completely charged up atmosphere.

The prime minister spoke of how no country could afford to live in isolation in today’s interdependent world. He called upon his people to modernise and renew themselves, while taking pride in their ancient civilisation. He talked of simple things, but it connected with the audience. As his speech ended, the crowd spontaneously chanted “Bharat Mata Ki Jai”. And thus, one significant chapter in the story of the NRI community in Singapore came to an end.

For readers who are not familiar with Singapore, the country has a strong Indian presence culturally. There are over a hundred Indian organisations, but most traditionally function on regional lines or cater to specific interest groups. Typically, they work entirely independent of each other. This is the first time when all these groups came together for a common cause. The final outcome was the result of a pan-India effort, and that is one of the most valuable and enduring outcomes of PM Modi’s visit.

People who have been a part of similar events across the world will tell you that they are an important part of creating linkages across scattered Indian organisations. This has welded the diaspora in each country into a cohesive network. From a long-term perspective, its value cannot be understated.

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DEAR ABBY: I have listened to our president and various candidates comment on gun control after the shooting at the college in Oregon. Do you remember the saying, “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people”? Gun control is not going to stop this. What IS needed (or at least would help) is more mental health care.

It seems every time a person takes the notion to shoot others, someone says, “He was depressed.” Never during the 20 years I have battled depression have I ever wanted to shoot anyone. There have been times when the urge to shoot myself was almost overwhelming, but I NEVER felt like shooting a bunch of strangers. Abby, I’m writing this to defend those of us who are truly fighting depression. — DEPRESSED IN TEXAS

DEAR DEPRESSED: Misinformation about mental illness is a contributor to the stigma that surrounds it. The triggers that have led to the plague of mass shootings in this country are the result of individuals with severe psychosis and the impossible task their families have faced in getting their loved ones the ongoing medical and psychiatric treatment they needed.

picture: chiffon wedding dressDEAR ABBY: The man I lived with for 25 years, “Craig,” and I have split. It was my decision. He now has a new woman in his life, and she is pregnant. Craig and I share a 23-year-old son.

Craig calls me often. He’s my best friend and I wish him the best, but I get the feeling he is unhappy with this woman and feels trapped. He calls to ask me for advice and talk about the problems he has with her. The woman has forbidden him to have contact with me so he has to sneak the calls.

Should I not talk to him anymore, or leave it to him to make that decision? It seems to me he still needs me in his life as a friend. Is he emotionally cheating on this new woman? — SYMPATHETIC EX IN VIRGINIA

DEAR EX: If Craig needs counseling, he should be getting it from an unbiased professional. His lady friend obviously views you as her rival, which is why she has forbidden him to contact you. It’s time to ask yourself how being in the middle of this makes you feel. If the answer is “not good,” then tell Craig you don’t want to cause problems in his new relationship, and sneaking around is dishonest and childish. And yes, this is a form of cheating because Craig is still emotionally dependent on you.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman who works in an office building. What’s the proper etiquette when the cleaning service is cleaning the restroom? If it’s a woman, I tend to go in anyway. If it’s a man, I wait (most of the time). — RESTROOM ETIQUETTE

DEAR R.E.: I don’t think there is a rule of etiquette regarding this. When the cleaning crew (or janitor) is in the restroom, there is usually a sign posted to that effect. In many cases, if the janitor is a male in a women’s restroom, he will immediately exit the room. However, if that doesn’t happen, it’s then up to the individual to determine if her call of nature is so urgent it must be heeded immediately.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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LAST FEBRUARY during fashion week in New York, noted illustrator Bil Donovan got a call from New York magazine asking him to document the backstage action. So, at shows from Carolina Herrera to Thom Browne, amid frenzied TV crews, photographers and Snapchatters, the gentlemanly artist pulled out his ink pots and went to work. When Mr. Donovan asked the editor why he was hired, she replied, “Because anyone can take a picture.’ ”

Anyone can take a picture (and thanks to filters and apps, a pretty professional-looking one at that). But not just anyone can draw or paint one. Which may be why in this high-tech age, illustration—which celebrates the personal, intimate and quirky—is having a moment, popping up on beauty packaging, as prints on blouses and bags, and all over Instagram as the latest form of fashion reportage.

Picture: red bridesmaid dresses ukAttend a chic dinner party, like the one jewelry designer Susan Foster recently hosted in New York, and the place card might be your portrait rendered by New York-based illustrator Justin Teodoro. Walk into Manhattan department store Bergdorf Goodman, and Estée Laudercreative director and illustrator Donald Robertson might be “art bombing” the place, which is Donald-ese for “painting on stuff.” And by “stuff,” he means anything you can buy that he customizes while you watch. Over the past year, he has also staged these happenings at Rebecca Minkoff’s new Los Angeles store and New York pop-up shop, Story. If you want to see Mr. Robertson in action, he’ll be back at Bergdorf from Dec. 3 to 6, working on-site and selling a collection of gifts that includes painted skateboards. The prolific Mr. Robertson might be the most zeitgeist-y illustrator of the moment, aided partly by Beyoncé who posted a selfie on her website, holding a Clare V. clutch with the Donald treatment, while wearing an Alice & Olivia blouse with a print he also drew.

“Illustration is a great way to telegraph warmth,” said Happy Menocal, the Brooklyn artist known for making whimsical watercolor stationery and dinner-party menus for chic hostesses like Aerin Lauder and photographer Claiborne Swanson Frank.

Pencil, pen and ink were the fashion industry’s original visual media. In the 1920s, Carl “Eric” Erickson sketched the news of the day from the ateliers of Mainbocher and Chanel, and produced 48 Vogue covers. Frenchman René Gruau helped usher in the New Look atChristian Dior. And don’t forget Andy Warhol, the kid who arrived in New York in 1949 and went to work drawing hats and shoes for Harper’s Bazaar and creating Christmas cards for Tiffany & Co. Ultimately, the camera prevailed. Many consider Vogue’s first color photograph cover in 1932 the beginning of the end for the painted page. By the ’70s, photography reigned supreme. But if technology killed illustration, it’s also helped revive it. Social media, said Mr. Robertson, has made his work go viral. “It’s like the ’30s,” he said. “I’m getting covers.”

Illustration is spilling over into interiors, too. Cassandra Grey, founder of beauty website Violet Grey, commissioned Mr. Robertson to cover her baby’s nursery with 9-foot giraffes. Tory Burch asked New York artist Kelly Beeman to create a series of watercolorsto hang in her Tory Sport pop-up shop. Ms. Menocal is having perhaps the most fun of all: She just did the murals for El Tucán, a new cabaret in Miami. “It’s styled on 1940s El Tropicana,” she said. “Guys in white dinner jackets, twelve-piece band.”

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Blakely Taylor Logan and George Russell Blakeney were married June 13 in the wedding garden at The Farm at Old Edward’s Inn in Highlands, North Carolina. The Rev. Thomas Richard Caradine officiated the 6 p.m. ceremony.

The bride is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Dennis Allen Logan of Birmingham. She is the granddaughter of the late Col. and Mrs. Homer Thomas Montgomery of Diamondhead, Mississippi, and the late Col. and Mrs. Edward O’Neal Logan of Birmingham.

The groom is the son of Mr. and Mrs. Johnson Russell Gibson III of Tuscaloosa and Mr. William David Blakeney of Tuscaloosa. He is the grandson of Mrs. James Lucien Hinton of Tuscaloosa and the late Mr. James Lucien Hinton, as well as Dr. and Mrs. Adolph Linden Blakeney of Tuscaloosa and the late Mrs. Sarah Sullivan Blakeney.

picture: long bridesmaid dresses ukGiven in marriage by her father, the bride wore a Lela Rose gown made of silk Radzmir with hand-embroidered details. Her illusion back was complemented with crystal and filigree, and her fit-to-flare skirt flowed into a chapel-length train. She carried a bouquet of white peonies with a touch of pink.

Ashley Logan Blomeyer of Birmingham and Whitney Logan Hubbard of Tuscaloosa, sisters of the bride, were matrons of honor. Rollins Elizabeth Dessoffy of New York City, niece of the groom, was the flower girl.

The groom’s father was the best man. Groomsmen were the groom’s brothers, Jonathan Walters Blakeney of Nashville, Tennessee, and William David Blakeney Jr. of Tuscaloosa.

Ushers were Lewis Bryant Foster of Tuscaloosa, Jon Michael Parsons of Birmingham, Harold Gregory Pearson Jr. and Grady Roland Pugh III, both of Tuscaloosa.

The children of the wedding were Allen Whitaker Blomeyer, Owen Gates Blomeyer, Scott Hutchins Blomeyer and Thomas Logan Blomeyer, nephews of the bride, of Birmingham; Miller McRee Dessoffy and William Chilson Dessoffy, nephews of the groom, of New York City.

Rob Ingram of Rob and Wynter of Birmingham was the photographer. Nellie Butler and Louise McClure of Mariée Ami were the wedding planners.

Kathy Miller Flowers of Birmingham provided white hydrangea garlands on the fireplace and in the barn and pavilion. She covered four chandeliers with smilax garlands. The central chandelier featured white roses, white hydrangeas, pink tulips and touches of greenery.

After a honeymoon trip to Europe, the couple live in Tuscaloosa.

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Bill Maher has made his mark as the comedian who refuses to toe the party line—any party’s line. He has come under attack by both the right and the left for his positions. This week’s show exemplifies his unflinching desire to muddy the waters of extremist thinking and get viewers to ask tough questions and refuse pre-packaged scripts.

He hit the spotlight after September 11 when he rejected the idea that the 9/11 attackers were cowards. Talking with conservative pundit Dinesh D’Souza, Maher stated: “We have been the cowards. Lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That’s cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building. Say what you want about it. Not cowardly.” The comment cost him his ABC show. But he soon landed back on his feet with HBO for “Real time with Bill Maher.”

picture: low back wedding dressesThis week’s show, which tackled both the Paris attacks and campus protests over racial discrimination, reminds us why Maher is a comedian we need to watch. In the wake of the crises on the campuses of University of Missouri and Yale and on the heels of the Paris attacks, Maher rejected the fundamentalist thinking that often tends to frame these issues. With regard to the student protests, he attacks racism, but defends free speech. And in connection to the Paris attacks, he asks why liberals refuse to condemn the oppressive fundamentalism connected to the version of Islam practiced by terrorists.

While we might disagree with his positions, Maher makes some provocative points. Even more important he asks viewers to resist intellectual extremism and dogmatic ideologies. This means that we can condemn Islamic extremism without condemning all Islamic people. And it means that we can fight structural racism while also wondering if the student protesters’ demands are reasonable.

Let’s be clear. Bill Maher can say some outrageous things. He once compared his dogs to “retarded children.” But it would be a mistake to dismiss his interventions because they come from a comedian known for being caustic and controversial. Again and again Maher is willing to ask the questions no one wants to ask. And one of his key themes is frustration over simple-minded responses to complex issues.

After opening with a sign of solidarity with the French people, he asked: How can we respond in a way that allows us to forcefully condemn the attackers while avoiding a full-scale condemnation of Islam? In an interview with Asra Nomani, Maher wonders why liberals “will not stand up against Sharia Law, which is the law in so many Muslim countries, which is the law of oppression?” Discussing extremist thinking with Nomani, he states, “I am absolutely sure that ISIS thinks that everything they do—every horrific crime, every atrocity—is an act of justice, and an act for god.”

Maher’s point it that there is an Islamic extremism that is real and the left has lost the vocabulary for speaking about it meaningfully. In an effort to avoid demonizing an entire religion, he argues, there has been silence on the very real threats of Islamic extremism. It is an issue that drives Maher nuts and it’s one that will immediately get him called out as an Islamaphobe.

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HI, CAROLYN: Is there a difference between being called an idiot (for example) and someone saying you’re acting like an idiot? Supposedly, one is less offensive than the other, according to a certain significant person in my life. — MATTER OF SEMANTICS

ANSWER: I think there’s a huge difference, but that doesn’t matter.

Your significant person thinks so, and that’s what matters, right? And you apparently don’t agree, which of course also matters.

So: (a) Stop calling this or any person an idiot, and instead say he or she is acting like one; even better, find a nicer way to make your point altogether.

And: (b) When he or she asks you to stop acting like an idiot, resist the urge to react and instead consider the context:

picture: chiffon bridesmaid dresses uk— Did you do something thoughtless and this is just your significant person’s rather rough way of saying, “Please stop doing that”?

— Does that phrase bother you, and when you say so are you looking for a simple apology but instead getting shut down with lawyerly semantics?

— Does even your slightest misstep bring down the hammer, however it’s worded, and no matter of semantics can disguise the fact that you may have granted this person more significance than is deserved?

For what it’s worth, calling someone an idiot diminishes the whole person while “acting like an idiot” addresses only the behavior. That’s the difference.

Neither one is a field of daisies, but certainly the latter is a lot easier to sell as something that could be said with affection, if both of you comfortably talk that way. A stretch, but possible.

It’s a big topic in child-rearing, too. You don’t tell a kid, “You’re a bad boy,” you say, “You made a bad choice.”

If someone’s outright calling you an idiot, then I hope it’s your old teammate from the 2004 Red Sox.

HI, CAROLYN: A few months back, my husband was asked to be a groomsman in a friend’s wedding. This is a very recent friend and he was surprised at the request. However, he was flattered and, at the time, thought it sounded like fun. The wedding is a destination wedding that will require him/us to travel 500 miles away.

Since he agreed, we’ve both realized what an inconvenience in time and money this trip would be, and he’s no longer keen. Is there any way to take back his decision to be in the wedding? — BOWING OUT

ANSWER: There’s no way that isn’t a slap to the face, not unless you have the out that etiquette always leaves: when you’re forced to back out for a reason that’s much less pleasant than the wedding. So, getting sick, getting injured, getting laid off, having a close relative get sick, having your house flood from a burst pipe the day you’re supposed to leave, etc. Should you be so fortunate not to have these to excuse you, you go.

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