昨日は草大会。
結果は2勝2敗。6-2,1-6,1-6,6-4。
しかしまあ、良くない。
自分にはテニスをする資格が無い。
強い相手と戦いたいと傲慢にも思っていながら、いざ強い相手が出てきたらビビって勝ち負けから逃げてしまうではないか。
自分より強い相手がよく打ってくる速くて曲がる謎魔球サーブ。ふざけやがって！どうなってやがる！？
１試合目で意外と幸先良いかも？と調子に乗ったのもマズかった。
出鼻を挫かれ、たった数ポイントで一度気持ちが切れると余計な事ばかりが頭を過ぎる。
勝てなくても貴重なチャンスをふいにしてしまった。
でも待てよ、強い弱い以前に、最近はもうどの試合もそん感じだぞ？
負けるのが怖くて、酷いやり方で誤魔化そうとしている。
実力で負けたのを認めるのが嫌だからそれ以外の負けてしょうがない理由を必死で探している。
そんな事を予選とか初戦からやってるから全然勝てないんだろうが。
声を出し、自分を鼓舞する、気持ちを出すやり方はメンタルの在り方として正しいとはよく聞くが、自分のそれはただただ見苦しい。
自分が弱いと思われたくないから声を上げている、よくよく思えばそれだけの理由しか俺には無い。
１月の戦績を見てみよう、初戦敗退と予選リーグ敗退、強く無い事がハッキリ結果に現れているなら堂々と負ければ良いのに、ちゃんと負ける事から逃げてしまう。
気付くのが今更過ぎるが、勝ち負けを受け入れられない、テニスをする以前のレベルに落ちぶれてしまっている。
そんな事にすら気付けなかったとは。
自分自身を過大評価している。口でいくら現実を唱えても、まずい、心の奥底の自分が尊大過ぎる。
自分は凄く強い！とまではいかなくとも、自分の事を上級者だと思い込んでるだろ？
自分の事をかなりテニスに詳しい知ってる側の人間だと思い込んでるだろ？
自分の事をラケットもストリングも殆ど知り尽くしている道具通だと思い込んでるだろ？
で、現実のお前は何だ？
自分に不都合な事を受け入れようとせず、どんどん内に引き篭もっている。
試合はどちらかが勝ち、どちらかが負ける。
勝ちたい勝ちたいと言いながら試合さえ受け入れられない自分はこれまでどんなテニスをしてきただろうか？
こんな情けない事を毎回繰り返しているのだからもうダメだ。
ダメだと悔いてみせてももう遅い、とんでもない間違いを犯してきたツケは払わなければならない。
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