高校時代にラケバに付けていたキーホルダーを久しぶりに見ました。
本当に久しぶりでして、大学１～２年の辺りでラケバが壊れてしまって買い替えたのですが、キーホルダーは古い方に今までずっと付けっぱなしでした。
津田投手の座右の銘。
高校時代の自分はテニスも含め何もかも、とにかく自信が無かった。
周囲に対して不安、劣等感、焦りばかり感じていてひたすら苦しかった。
結果も案の定である。
無理矢理自分を奮い立たせていた当時の思い出がこのキーホルダーを久々に見つけた時すぐに沸き上がってきました。
ひたすら言葉を唱えるだけで己の弱気に打ち勝つ事が出来なかった昔の自分。
苦い思い出と大事にしていた言葉を、いつの間にか古いラケバに付けたまま忘れてしまっていたとはとても迂闊である。
過去を振り返ると、誰かの言葉に縋るだけではなく、自分の行動と在り方に胸を張れる男でありたかったと思う。
堂々とできなかった悔しさがまた鮮明に蘇る。
あの悔しさを絶対に忘れないと誓った頃から時は経ち、自分は成人の年齢になった。
昔の自分が大事にしていた言葉を今のラケバにまた付けようかと一旦思いはしましたが、現在保留中。
思い出が苦々しいという気持ちもあれば、あの頃に恐れていた敵に対する恐怖心を昔程持っていないような気がする、そんな気持ちもある。
ろくな事ができなかった昔からちゃんと進歩できているのだろうか。
胸を張れる人間に近づけているのだろうか。
意識しなくともこの言葉が自分の身に染み付いているだろうか。
過去を省みない、目の前の問題から逃げる、そんな恥ずかしい人間として自分が周りの目に映っていないだろうか。
気をつけて生きていきます。
他の方のブログに影響を受けまして、今年1年の自分のシングルスの戦績を記録してみました。
2016年は33試合15勝18敗、初戦敗退が4大会、予選リーグ全敗が2大会でした。
今までも試合の勝敗はスマホのメモ帳に保存する事もあったのですが、散々だった時はメモしなかったり(笑)してあやふやになっていたので、ちゃんと全部記録するのは今年が初めて。
昔は高校時代の試合のスコアもどこかで記録していて覚えていたのだけれど忘れてしまった。
来年の目標は中村杯とか横浜の市民戦とかでの予選一回戦突破にします。
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